The Adventures of Superjazz
by Plenoptic's Number One Fans
Summary: We all love the stupid saboteur. So we figured it was time to give him his own fanfic! Pure awesomeness. We will love you if you review. No hate mail, either, cuz we'll eat you. EP 2 MENTOS AND DIET COKE! AND PORN :D
1. Episode 1

_**READ WHOLE THINGY**_

**Just a piece of fun thrown together by Plenoptic's Number One Fans! Please give us your keyboard! **

**  
Disclaimer: We swear we are not A.D.D. **

**  
You're supposed to tell about the story in the disclaimer, stupid! **

**  
WHATEVERA! **

**  
Real Disclaimer: We don't own Transformers. But maybe Hasbro could loan us Jazz for a day or two. **

**'Cause this would make a GREAT show! **

**EPISODE ONE **

**JAZZ FINDS SOME COOL NEW STUFF! AND FREAKS OUT THE NEW RECRUITS. **

Jazz glared angrily at Optimus.

Glancing up casually Optimus met Jazz's red optics.

"ACK! What?"

"I hate you."

"Huh?"

"Femmes dig you, not me, why?"

"Um..." Optimus shrugged.

Jazz popped out his red contact lens and sighed. "Now I'll have to ask Elita, thanks though."

Optimus blinked and went back to work.

Slugging into her office, Jazz found Elita. "Why do femmes like Optimus?"

Elita looked up from a stack of paperwork, "the mask."

Jazz blinked, "seriously?"

"No." Elita went back to her paper work.

But Jazz didn't notice her sarcasm; he ran to his room, only to skid to a stop outside a mysteriously open closet door. To Jazz, however, every door was open to him--including the doors to the various femmes' quarters. But that's another story that wouldn't quite fit this rating, now would it?

"Whoa," Jazz said, and kicked the door open. "Seems stupid ol' Ironhide forgot to lock another door!"

The closet, as it turned out, was filled to the top with boxes that were overflowing with colorful thingies! Jazz, excited, ran into the room and immediately pulled out a box, toppling into another and knocking out all of the slaggin' awesome contents.

"Whoa!" Jazz repeated, looking at the floor. It appeared to be a random assortment of SUPERHERO CLOTHES!

Incidentally, Jazz had little, if not none, knowledge of superheroes.

"What the slag?" he said loudly, looking at the clothes. They looked like flimsy armor. He tried on some gloves. They came up to his elbows. "Cool!" he yelled, and as he shuffled through the other boxes, plans, ideas started to flow threw his little mind, soon he was grinning.

Only Primus knows how long Jazz stayed in that closet. A few passing recruits glanced nervously at it as they passed; they heard some very weird noises coming from the room; they hurried passed and decided not to reveal that piece of information to anyone, thinking that their processors were fritzing.

"This is so slagging awesome!" Jazz said happily, struggling though he was to pull on a big red cape. He now sported the purple gloves, and knee-high yellow boots that looked like something Superwoman would wear. "I love this human frag!"

Digging through another box Jazz found something he found to be like Optimus's mask; a visor.

"SWEET!" He squelched as he attached the funny colored single lens. "BEAT THIS OPPY!"

His fun was interrupted by the blare of his comm link. "Hiz," he answered, and Ratchet groaned loudly.

"Jazz? You're late for your shift."

"Whoz iz diz Jazz? I know no Jazz!"

"GET DOWN HERE!"

"OWWWWWZ!" Jazz rubbed his ear things. "Gosh, geez if your know no Jazz no comez I shallz offerz replacementz!"

"Just forget what ever it is you are talking about and get DOWN HERE NOW!" Ratchet roared.

Jazz blinked as the comlink went dead.

"Okay, Jazz is not going into work today, so what will go in as a replacement?"

Jazz held a light bulb above his head.

"I KNOW! I'LL GET SUPERJAZZ!"

**The Training Bridge**

Ironhide was rambling. It was a kinda interesting ramble. It went something like this--to those who understood it, of course. Ironhide was a redneck.

"Ah'm not sayin' nothin' abou' nobody, but Ah did know this one guy who got his interface blasted off bah ah femme on th' battlefield because he forgot to wear his crotch plate. Ya see, them femmes is violent tha' way...they don' put up with no nonsense from any mech, ya see..."

Elita was "grrrr"ing in the background. Optimus looked sheepish. He also looked like he was thinking "I was not the mech who got his interface blasted off, I was not the mech who got his interface blasted off..." Bumblebee was checking to make his plate was secure. Discreetly, of course...as discreetly as one could in front of about one hundred recruits.

"Jazz is late," Ratchet grumped angrily.

And at that moment, a mysterious costumed figure FLEW IN THROUGH THE WINDOW!

"OMG!" all the recruits shouted. "It's one of those flying morons! They warned us about them in the academy! They said to be careful about them in Optimus Prime's unit!"

"Hey!" Optimus squawked femmeshly high.

"Enough chattah!" Ironhide shouted above the resulting din. "Who the slag is that?!"

"Yeah!"

"Who is that?!"

"I… AM… SUPERJAZZ!" the figure roared.

"Frag! Some kind of weird code name!"

"Yeah! We have to reveal his secret identity!"

"Let's find out who he is!"

"Yeah!"

Elita stared at her so called friends. "...OMG. You're kidding me, right?"

"Ack!" Superjazz flayled his arms helplessly as he wobbled throught the air. "I'm losing control! Help!"

"Duck!" Ironhide yelped, pulling down a few recruits with him.

Superjazz was shooting all over the place, hitting the walls like PING PING PING PING PING!!! Ironhide, in a mad fit of panic, pulled out both of his bad-aft cannons and began shootin wildly, figuring that he might actually hit something. Superjazz yelped, careening insanely out of control and darn near taking out a few helpless recruits. Ironhide ran around in a circle, his cannons still going off.

Optimus and Ratchet ducked under a table, screaming rather wonderfully in key. Sexy beasts.

Elita sighed, realizing that it upon her to save her stupid mechs. She looked up at the loser who was PINGING off the walls, and as he drew close, she calmly extended an arm and seized his doors as he attempted to whizz past. He squirmed for a minute, his arms and legs sticking out in a SUPERMAN position.

Still remaining completely calm, she began to carry him to the window.

"SUPERJAZZ IS VICTORIOUS!" he bellowed suddenly, and she stopped.

"Huh?"

"I STOPPED THE BORING-NESS!" He roared, punching the air. "I PUT IRONHIDE'S AFT IN ITS FAT PLACE!"

Elita rolled her optics. Ironhide roared from his fat seat.

With a friendly parting of comment of "GET OUT OF HERE, FREAKAZOID!" Elita One threw the victorious Superjazz out the window.

**Something is beginning…please review! No hate mail, please...**

**  
Please. **

**  
Pocky **

**  
REVIEWA NICEA! **

**  
HANA!**


	2. Episode 2

**pLEASE sEE oUR nEW pOLL-a aFTER rEADING-! duh**

IN PREVIOUS EPISODES--

…JUST KIDDING :D

Elita hopped off the scale. "CRAP!"

Optimus, sitting in the corner and trying not to fall asleep (after pulling an "all nighter" with Elita, according to Prowl's records) jumped up, cannons out and blazing, optics wild with panic. "What?! Where are the pit spawn?!"

"THE SCALE! DIET! I NEED A DIET! THE FRAGGING SCALE! SCALE INDICATES DIET-AGE!"

Optimus blinked. Blinked again. Sank back down. "…Oh."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'OH'?!"

"…Crap."

--20 minutes later--

Elita returns from the store with anything and everything diet (Splenda, diet Coke, diet Pepsi, fat-and-sugar-free ice cream--_aka flavored ice--_Skim milk, I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter!, sugar free gum, fat and salt free chips, -_-aka potatoes-_-Bran mix, organic Flax mix, nutritional shakes--no sugar added--Cran energy, and Mentos to cheer up Optimus after his mask in half over her knee).

Huffing back up the stairs, she manages to tap in her code and wrench open the door (she'd kicked it on her way out, fragging thing wouldn't slide open anymore) and sees Jazz sitting at her computer, flipping through her private files (including some naughty shots of Optimus :D) (coughPORNSTARcough) (she could sell that for a LOT) (:D) (parentheses are fun) (…) (…n.n) (that is a happy face fu).

"…"

"Oh, hey, ELITA! Wha'dja bring me, huh huh huh?? Didja get somethin' for me?? OMIGOD CANDY CANDY!"

Calmly, not bothering to put down her groceries, Elita seized him by his cute little skid plate and very promptly threw him out the window (again) (mind you, he'd climbed in through it to begin with, so) (it was open) (duh) (anyone's who still bothers to read this must be, like, the coolest peeps EVA!) (duh ;P).

"Elita?" Optimus quipped over her comm link. "I have something for you in the command center."

"I'm not coming."

"…Please?"

"No."

"…BREACH BREACH! MEGATRON! OMIGOD HE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!"

"Good."

"…OMIGOD HE FOUND MY PORNAGRAPHIC PICTURES OF YOU!!" (;D)

"**WHAT?!"**

She dropped her bags and bolted, cannons blazing (easily scarier than Ironhide). "NOT **THAT** VIDEO!"

"…Uh, I didn't say anything about--uh--I mean--OMIGOD HE'S GOT THAT TOO!"

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP………."

"OMIGOD HE'S POSTING IT ON THE INTERNET!"

"**FRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGEEEEERRRRRR..……..!**"

--…uh…back to Elita's room…--

Just outside Elita's window, Jazz was struggling to climb back into Elita's room, optics crossed, sporting a violently dented crotch plate. " M-Mentos…must…have…" Hoisting one leg over the sill, he floundered for a moment before rolling over and toppling in, landing face-down. He crawled forward and seized the Mentos and diet Coke, then bolted from the room, taking the booty to his secret lair (_aka the Frag Closet) (hence named because of Ironhide and Chromia's…uh… "all nighters"). _He seized several bottles of diet Coke and a box of Mentos and donned his fragging awesome SUPERJAZZ battle gear, preparing to make his way to el commando centre…

--el commando centre--

The door flew open (off its hinges) and Elita burst in, guns blazing, "NOT THE INTERNET……………….!!….**WHAT THE FARG ARE YOU DOING?!**" (she was so angry she screwed up her cuss O.o) (or maybe Pocky made a typo :D).

Optimus Prime was stretched out on a bed of rose petals, a rose between his dental plates, and a petal strategically placed over…ya, you know…THAT.

"…You look better with the mask." And pounced on him (disgusting, but true…) (porn turns Elita on?!) (O.o) (…:D)

--just outside el commando centre--

Superjazz shoved the Mentos into the bottle, put the cap back on and shook it up (popped a Mento into his mouth just because he likes them). He shot into the command center screaming "INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET" at the top of his vocalizer, and at that precise moment the cap shot off--hitting Elita in her very exposed aft (:D)--and a virtual Old Faithful of Mentos and diet Coke exploded forth, completely covering the shocked Prime and Elita.

"…?" (Optimus)

"…**RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!**" (Elita)

"…**CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! NOOOOOOOOOO! SLAAAAAAAAG!**" (Superjazz)

Superjazz spun around after snapping a quick picture (internet :D) and forwarding it to everyone he knew as he fled for his perverted life, slipped in the Mentos and diet Coke concoction, sliding wildly out the door. Elita caught up to him easily, grabbed him by his abused-yet-still-cute skid plate, and tossed him **OFF A CLIFF**! just kidding, **OUT THE WINDOW!**

--later--

Scale mysteriously flies out Elita's window.

--da Roof--

Jazz grinned, eagerly watching the screen of his laptop.

"5056...8099...203,489...3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,006...wow, lookit all those hits…"

* * *

**Authors'a Notesa: **

**Elita does not slip. She is Elita. **

**Megatron was one of the hits. :D **

**Disclaimer: We do not own Transformers, any of the music listened below, Splenda, diet Coke, diet Pepsi, Skim milk, I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter!, Bran mix, organic Flax mix, Cran energy.**

**We do in fact own potatoes. Not a trademark. But yum! :D**

**What artists we listened to:**

**Elvis**

**Hellogoodbye**

**Good Charlotte**

**Sweet**

**Weird Al**

**Green Day**

**Fall Out Boy**

**T.A.T.U (Malchick Gay)**

**Nickelback**

**Linkin Park**

**Things That Happened While Writing This:**

**Hana went to pee**

**Little sister ran in while we were typing the "porn" scene**

**Hana went to get a drink**

**Hana peed again**

**Pocky went to get a drink**

**And held it **

**Did most of the typing**

**Hana bossed Pocky around**

…**A. **

**Laughed our AFTS-A off! **

**Bwa ha ha ha ha!-a. **

**Hope you enjoyed, stay tuned for the next episode.**

**Spank you!**

**--Pocky**

**BWA HA HA HA HA-a**

**--Hana**

PLEASE REVIEW!!


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